Scientific Satire shamelessly stolen sans Shikha's sanctification - Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

A scientific thesis on why the chicken crossed the road

Our intellectual gray haired noble scientists were summoned to speculate upon a complicated issue on a special conceptual model analysing a certain unusual physical activity:

The statement : "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

(a buzz of excitement in the background...arguments..thumping of fists on the tables and occasional 'Eurekas!')

Here are some of the collective thesis statements on the subject:

• Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
• Andre Ampere: To keep up with current events.
• Alexander Graham Bell: To get to the nearest phone.
• Robert Boyle: She had been under too much pressure at home.
• Marie Curie: She was radiating with enthusiasm as she crossed the road
• Nicolaus Copernicus: Despite the evidence of your senses I can show that it is mathematically simpler to describe it as the road passing under the chicken.
• C. J. Doppler: For its effect on passer-bys.
• Thomas Edison: She thought it would be an illuminating experience.
• Richard Feynman: It didn't cross the road to the other side. It actually came back to where it started but was momentarily moving backward in time.
• Jean Foucault: It didn’t. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.
• Buckminister Fuller: Because we have not yet designed and implemented true,constantly forwardly/backwardly evolving, energy-transforming livingmachines which will enable us to perform all functions from the informedlyturbining hub of a single autonomous in-spiralling/out-radiating network ofspace-connected information vector transforms. Had the chicken beensupplied with my Dymaxion Tensegrity Coop, it would have remained at home, un-tempted by such risky spatial-temporal translations.
• Galileo: To get a better look at the stars.
• Karl Gauss: Because of the magnetic personality of the rooster on the other side.
• Gustav Hertz: Lately, its been crossing with greater frequency.
• Johannes Kepler: He crossed in an arc, not a straight line.
• Newton:
  1) Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
  2) It was pushed on the road.
  3) It was pushed on the road by another chicken, which went away from the road.
  4) It was attracted to a chicken on the other side of the road.
  5)An apple fell on its head.

Scientists have been unable to arrive at a major consensus and have declared the issue to be arbitrarily influenced by varying frames and different environments. There have been numerous attempts on experimentally verifying the cause of such an event, however, on examination of the experimental apparatus it was later discovered that the chicken was dead.
Conclusion: Since this unusual behavior has been demonstrated by a chicken that is currently out of order for experimental purposes it can be inferred that the absurd characteristic under observation cannot be generalised for other chickens.