What's wrong with me?

孟子曰：吾日三省吾身

And so I've been doing that. Well, okay, not 3 times daily in a disciplined manner, but rather at very frequent and random times, I discover something new about myself. Here's the latest.

I've been getting very easily irritated. Perhaps cocky as well. A renewed sense of confidence that came from working at Staples has suddenly bloated and exploded within my head. Suddenly, I feel like I'm not the old person I was.

When people came to me for help, I'd help, without thinking or asking for returns or favors. Then, I degenerated to a state where I constantly thought about favors, even though I don't ask for them. Now, I blatantly refuse to help people. Leon comes asking me for help looking for a room, and my immediate thought is, why me? I'm not searching for one... Uncle Ken comes and calls me every 2 or 3 days with some new computer problem, just because I said "free tech service for buying it from me". Yeah, hell man, I said free, but not necessarily at your beck and call. Even paid service works at the convenience of the technician.

[Heck. I hate dependency. Man must learn to stand on his own feet, while still trusting something higher to work things out.]

Yet here's the paradox - once I put myself in their shoes, it seems all so natural to react like that. Leon would need, desperately, a room, for his once-trustworty landlord has thrown him out; for him, he must move out by Oct 1, no later. Uncle Ken detests failure the way I detest dependency, and so would rather have everybody do things for him rather than he do things on his own.

[No, no, you're getting torn away from your principles. Dependency is not a good thing. Cut it.]

Then again, I helped Lulu with Xuyue today. Perhaps I was happier to help her, in a sense, because I know she's at the minimum not the kind who'll cling to a dependable person. She'll give people space, the way she herself needs space. (At least that's my own preliminary analysis; I don't know her well.) I was glad that she made it on time too, rather than drag her feet and be late. Exceeded my expectations for a person. She would match well with Xuyue, for he needs some disciplining on that part. (XD hope he doesn't see this entry...) I guess I was alright doing this deed for it was convenient - I had control over when, how and where I could help.

No, no, it's settled. I'm sticking to my guns - I detest dependency, and I'd rather people give me space to breathe, for I need space. Likewise, I'd give you space to breathe too, for I'd not cling on to you like shrink-wrap. Everybody should learn how to, at the minimum, stand on their own feet and take care of themselves.

And, like I've learned from BSG and from Steve Jobs, trust something higher to connect the dots for you.