Letting Go

I just saw your post, after finishing off reading what I needed to read in my cell biology textbook. And it brought thoughts.

Pleasant memories which I'll never forget. Never, trust me, I'll never forget them. The times we enjoyed, the joy I always saw in your face. The hugs, the quiet moments spent together, the beautiful night out during MAF in our final year of school.

And then the tears that fell. I never really liked to show mine, because I'm just like that, but I remember looking back as I went through the doors at Changi airport. I saw you, and then I saw you fall into Kai Ling with tears flowing down. My heart fell, but I knew I had to go on. I had this calling to go home, back home, a place where I could start my life afresh. A place where I didn't have the baggage of a painful past of 10 years. Yet leaving you would mean another painful memory to take along back home to Canada. What irony.

I haven't told many people this, but I think only my mom knows it, coz she was sitting beside me on the plane. I opened the paper bag you gave me, and read the journal. And I read the entries you wrote. I saw your joy, your sadness, your happiness, your tears (literally, the tears smeared over your handwriting). I'm not going to reveal them here, because to me, they're still private, and I still cherish them. But the next thing I knew, I was silently tearing in my eyes, not a sniffle, not a sob, just me sitting in tears for the next 20 minutes on the plane. Over the next two years, I would do that another 4 times. Yes, I counted. The paper bag's gone now, but its contents haven't been lost.

I sometimes think about what happened that night we stopped. We had diverged so much, yet were still clinging onto our memories in the last year of school. I had converted from a complete atheist to a complete theist, embracing the faith I once rejected and attacked. I guess I wasn't the big hero that I used to be. I had become weak in will over the months of being independent here, but I had found a higher level of happiness in my newfound faith. One that came from a calling to let down my burdens and experience love first before trying to love. And by love, I don't mean romantic love, but unconditional, unfailing, and unending overflowing love. Superlatives don't work here, because they can't describe the love that God has for us.

The day I believed, I repented on my sins of pride and selfishness, my two biggest problems, and I made a choice not to go with pride and selfishness again. It happened all in a flash, and for me, an irrational experience confronted me with a very simple rational choice - pride or no pride? Self or Christ? In both questions, I chose the latter, because I realized, there's no other way out for me. In a way, I returned to the teachings of my first school in Singapore, St. Andrew's. Looking back, I'm now glad I had this grounding behind me.

But it was me trying to share this with you that triggered it all. Oh, how much pain I had, looking at the MSN transcript unveiling itself before my eyes. I foresaw it, that I was going to lose you, but I didn't want to. How I wanted for you to come to know this source of love, not so that we could strengthen our bond, but rather because I just wanted you to know about God. But just at a point where I had the belief that, through Christ, I could try again to work it out with you, we stopped.

Pain compounded the pain. Hopes raised only to be dashed again. And it wasn't your fault. Because you were right, we hadn't grown together, which was why it failed. If I didn't heed the calling to go back home, would both of us had so much pain? I wonder, sometimes. In any case, I cried all night again, and went to work the next day.

But stopping was liberating too. It was as if the burden of something that wasn't going to work anyways was lifted off me, and better earlier than later too, when we've both wasted our youthful years on a failed journey.

I have moved on, because I know it's wrong for me to hold on to the past. But it doesn't mean I've stopped remembering you and our times together. On MSN, you're still listed under that special category of people reserved for my family. I still keep the box of memoirs you've given to me, and I've now named it my 'Happy Memories' box. It's private, not privy to the eyes of people around me, not even my roommate, and I've only selectively added more things to it. But I'm afraid to open it, or even view the videos that Yiwen and the Darwin Gals took, because they will bring me back to the past, and I will cry again. Yes, I'm that weak. But having written all that, I figure I will open the box again, and start rummaging through my past.

I know that if we meet again, I will not feel awkward around you. Because we are still friends, and we will still talk and laugh together. I figure you'll still giggle at nerdy jokes, coz I'm still lame enough to crack that kind of stuff. But I know that we've stopped, and that there'll be boundaries which I'm more than happy not to cross.

But I've moved on, and so must you. And don't hold back, because you'll not be cheating anybody. I'd hate to see you become a nun-like character, much as I wouldn't be able to become a monk-like character. If you feel it's right, go and find someone else, because you won't be cheating on me, and I know that you now probably have the wisdom to find him and give him everything, as he will give you everything, and won't be as selfish and stubborn as I was two years ago on December 5th 2005, when I flew home. When that happens, I will be happy for you, because it would be the indication to me that you've been liberated from your past, and found a new life.

I'm re-united with Christ whom I lost when I rejected Him in P5, and in doing so, I found a new life too. I now no longer worry about things that haven't been assigned under my care, things I can't control, because I know that somebody above is managing it all, and that all I have to do is give my best. He will find me somebody, if it's meant to be.

There's this hymn which we sang, back in SAJS. It's called "Pass It On", and it's a very nice song. I dedicate this song to you, now, in hope that you will join this big family. Not because I want to be back with you again, coz I know it's not what both of us will want, but because I sincerely believe in Him and that I'm here to share the love.

It only takes a spark to get a fire going.
And soon all those around, can warm up in glowing.
That's how it is with God's love,
Once you've experienced it, you spread His love to everyone;
You want to pass it on.

What a wondrous time is spring, when all the trees are budding;
The birds begin to sing, the flowers start their blooming.
That's how it is with God's love;
Once you've experienced it, you want to sing
"It's fresh like spring"; you want to pass it on.

I wish for you my friend, this happiness that I've found.
You can depend on Him, it matters not where you're bound.
I'll shout it from the mountain top - PRAISE GOD
I want the world to know; the Lord of love has come to me,
I want to pass it on.

I Am A Green Crayon

Exactly a week since I last posted something.

Inspiration for this little test came from Audrey's blog, which I haven't visited in ages, and was only just reminded of its presence on the web from talking to her (albeit for a very, very short period over MSN).

You Are a Green Crayon

Your world is colored in harmonious, peaceful, natural colors. While some may associate green with money, you are one of the least materialistic people around. Comfort is important to you. You like to feel as relaxed as possible - and you try to make others feel at ease. You're very happy with who you are, and it certainly shows! Your color wheel opposite is red. Every time you feel grounded, a red person does their best to shake you.

What Color Crayon Are You?

Oh no! I've lost my glasses!!!!!! Time to go retracing my steps...

A New Start

So it's definitely been a long while since I last updated this blog. I'll take some time to do so before I report for my last shift at Staples.

A lot of things have happened this week, and I could say I have gone through an emotional rollercoaster. On Monday, I finally witnessed a positive result from the experiments that Evette, the PhD student I've been working under at the lab, had from the ELISA we were doing up to 10.30pm at night. So that night ended on a positive note.

Then, on Tuesday, I forgot all about proper practices of labelling, and I mislabelled Valeria's (a post-doctoral fellow at the lab too) spleens, and I had to wrack my head to get the correct label out. I ended on a low note.

Wednesday, during class I was put in a group I didn't want to be in, so I talked to Richard about switching out. Another low note.

On Thursday, I had a great day in class, especially for BIOL200 and PHIL230A, where I partook in the discussions very actively and I felt I learned a lot. Then, I went to work, did up my lab duties when I had to speak to Dr. Takei about my lab work. It was there and then that I learned that he wanted to lay me off, and was really sorry for doing so because of the circumstances (I had nothing much more to do; the mice weren't giving birth to knock-outs that we could analyze). I was sad that day, for I had just started to get to know the others there well, especially Tim, who accompanied me down to Java Express for a last coffee (at least in the capacity of colleagues) before I left for home and he left for Flow. I was sad all night.

Friday, Richard tells me that he and I are switching groups together to join another two in the other room, and I sense hope again. Then I check my mail and see that I've had an invitation to join Golden Key, which I did. While working on the CPSC111 problem with Jonas, I receive an e-mail from Dr. Ninan Abraham, who said there may be a possibility for me to volunteer at his lab. In the afternoon, I did my programming for CPSC111, and completed 80% of my homework assignments due on the 25th of Sept, as such freeing my afternoon up. I went for coffee (well, hot chocolate in my case) with Qingning, before coming back home to a night of productive philosophical reading and memorization of amino acids. It ends happily, for I had spent time with friends, was productive, and saw vindication of my efforts.

God put out the rainbow after the flood, as a covenant of His promise to mankind never to bring about such massive destruction. At my lowest point of the week, Thursday, though I didn't consciously know it, I sensed the promise, and kept my hope up. Friday, it all showered down on me. The shower of rain and the gusts of wind that drowned me and blew me around all week stopped, only for me to see light again.

Sad as I still am for losing an opportunity to stay on an have a valuable long-term experience at the lab, I see hope in that opportunity. At random times throughout the day, I will think about what good may have come out of it; Zigang said it is an opportunity sifter to be rejected, so that golden opportunities may come. I really hope I'm on the right train of thought.

Save The Hostages

19 of them are left. Sign the petition. Pressurize the Taliban with the Pashtunwali code.

http://www.avaaz.org/en/honour_the_afghan_code/c.php/?cl=15676322

Friends

A friend in joy, a friend in sorrow.

A friend in solitude, a friend in multitude.

A friend for pain, a friend for pleasure.

A friend for summer, a friend for spring.

A friend for life.

Isn't that what we all need?

Finally

A question weighs on, finally resolved.

A protracted saga, finally at its end.

A burden relieved, finally without weight.

A step forward, finally letting go.

A different perspective, finally making amends.

A final goodbye, finally so sweet.

And I cry.

Awe

As I re-watched the video that I took of China's performance at the HSBC Celebration of Light, it struck me as curious that people only give their "ooohs" and "aaahhhs" at the end of a massive light-up of the sky.

It made me wonder about human nature. Do we only marvel at the big and the flashy? There were many parts of the fireworks display that China put up that made me marvel, and it wasn't the part when the sky was lit up brightly like the sky. I saw the perfect synchronization of music with visuals, the amount of hard work and practice it must take. I saw individual flares flying up in the sky, never exploding into millions of smaller ones, but rather just vanishing into the clouds behind it. I heard the transitions in the music, the instruments, the music itself.

I noticed the rain of individual flares, exploding into a spray of sparkles, on top of which rings of triumph and glory reveal and expand themselves. Yet it did not seem awe-inspiring to the crowd. The technical prowess of the Chinese team never seemed to be on the lips of the people as they left the beach; people were talking about how great the light show was, about how to get out, about partying for the next 6 hours in the night...

Nobody commented about this stuff. Am I alone in these thoughts? Am I the only one that takes notice of the trajectories of the flares, of how perfectly the flares explode? Or does my weird eye and mind take note of the nuances in their performance? Is it my non-conformist way of thought that makes me think about the meaning of the performance, rather than appreciate the performance just simply for what it is? Or am I just forgetting about my KISS acronym - "Keep It Simple, Stupid"?

A pity I haven't been able to upload the videos to my computer. I wonder what's happened. I guess I must fix it.

Surreal

Tonight was one of the few nights where I get completely captivated by something.

China's performance at the HSBC Celebration of Light was simply breathtaking. At about 7.00pm, I biked down from UBC to get to English Bay to catch Xiao Yang, Sarah and Rachel. Xiao Yang's friend Caitlin was there with her dad as well. There, we chilled and I saw Maki as well. So the group of us hung out and watched Xiao Yang and Maki's friend play Chinese Chess.

The announcer was getting pretty annoying, what with all of his repetitive "this fireworks show cost 3 million to display" and "Vancouver, show that you want this display to be shown here every year by cleaning up your garbage", a friendly reminder of the inconsiderate garbage worker strikes that have been going on. Whatever happened to service to community and respecting taxpayer's money?

In any case, I sat there, trying to spot the stars while lying on the beach. One by one, their flickers emerged from behind the curtain of the sky as the sun's spotlight faded behind the horizon.

I can't remember when we had to rise for China's national anthem, but Xiao Yang, Rachel and Sarah were back there bellowing it out so loud, I'm sure that the crowd around them could hear it all. Way to go for patriotism! Haha, I regret missing the Canadian one now... I would have so sang "O Canada" with pride.

Then, over the PA system, the announcer's voice bellowed out, "10, 9, 8,..... 3, 2, 1." and a roar of applause followed by quick silence fell over the hundred-thousand-strong crowd. With my camera in hand, I set the settings for fireworks, and as the first few flares emerged, I started snapping, forgetting about the fact that this was a performance. Then, I heard the music.

It was suddenly surreal. Instinctively, I turned my camera to video mode, and hit the shutter button. I let the music inside me, and it flowed and ebbed like the waves on the beach, reaching my mind at one moment, touching my heart at another. The visuals provided by the fireworks suddenly had meaning. The title of the show, "Time Machine", made it even more captivating. As the flares lit up the sky, the fireworks display left a barrage of images inside of me: of fireflies, of stars, of lamps, of the rainbow, of rings, of... it was a fantastical, it was improbable; it was suddenly surreal.

The music flowed on, at times uplifting, at times troubling, at times inspirational, at times rumbling. I saw the firework flares in the sky - the green ones, the red ones, the blue ones, the yellow ones, the white ones... the ones that went from green to red, and from blue to yellow, and from red to white... I sat there, captivated by the beauty of the night sky. A few moments later, I glanced around, and saw everybody in the crowd equally taken in by the scenery. It was a marveling at all of the Chinese team's creation and its beauty from within.

There were the punctuating moments, when the fireworks literally lit up the entire night sky, and it dawned upon me that it wasn't just China's performance that was amazing, it was the entire concept of HSBC's Celebration of Light. The crowed "oooh"-ed and "ahhh"-ed during those moments, when the entire night sky was filled with flares.

Given the title, the music and the display, I struggled for words to describe the meaning behind the fireworks performance put up by China. What were they trying to communicate? Were they doing a journey back into the past, making us think about our personal lives, when we were young, when we were happy, when we were troubled? Or were they communicating their aspirations for their homeland, to grow stronger and stronger day by day? Or were they displaying, in abstract terms, the history of their nation, the trials and tribulations that it has gone through?

I admire the Chinese spirit in adversity; it's very much like the Jews'. A never-say-die attitude, a willingness to work at the problem. (I guess the complacency displayed in times of abundance by most Chinese is quite starkly visible compared to other societies', which is my only problem with Chinese way of thought - a focus on the superficial, the family pride etc.) The teamwork, coordination, buildup, emotion... this team definitely did do an amazing job. Kudos!

I shall be uploading the video (820MB!!!) soon. Hopefully I get to compress it down such that it's "uploadable" by YouTube restrictions.

静心思考 || Reflection

So my birthday came and went quietly, peacefully, with a few well-wishers wishing me a happy birthday. Thank you guys: Rachel, Charles, Joey and Cindy for remembering, as well as Ming Han, my mom and Aunty Amy in Singapore, and Choops in Aussie. Thanks to Leon for bringing me to this awesome Memphis Blues restaurant to feast on meat, something I'd never do regularly.. 4 days later, I have some thoughts. (Yes, I'm very slow.)

I deliberately removed my birth date from Facebook, but I forgot about it on my Blogger profile, therefore, Charles managed to find it in the end, and, together with Joey, they both wrote me a card.

Charles wrote something that struck a chord with me deeply:
"I suppose somewhere along the way of you living independently, birthdays hardly matter as a milestone of development and maturity. You've found work that you love and are already more than capable of setting and achieving your own explicit goals." [Btw, Charles wrote the "E" in my name as a Σ. So typically him. ;-)]

I guess I'm not too sure what "explicit goals" means, but I realized that I've transformed quite a bit. I guess not wrt. birthdays - since I was 14 I've never really wanted any party. All I wanted was my chance to get to eat 2 eggs rather than 1 in the morning, which only occurred on 26 July of each year. Then my classmates would give me a card, and the day would be over quickly.

So, as people may be wondering, on July 26 2007, what did I do? Just another work day, to start. I went to work earlier, because Tim (our PhD student in the lab) and I had stuff to do earlier in the morning, I think. 4 days later on, my memory gets a little gray-ish. But I remember helping out Valeria (our post-doc in the lab) until late - I was doing lots of pipetting and preparing the cells for something else. Thankfully I didn't screw up. I didn't get off at my usual 4.30pm, but rather at 6.00pm. It was fun, though. Another day where I get to apply my knowledge. Then I had dinner and dessert with Leon, and then I looked at the digital SLRs. That's about it. Worked well for me.

Amidst the silence and peace that I get when I don't do any big major partying, I get reflective. Which, I guess, is a good thing. Let's me look back on my life a bit more.

Over the year, I survived Science One, and graduated as an official Science One survivor. I then moved on and screwed up 3 summer courses by deciding to take them all at one go, leaving me not enough time to study for them, and with a bigger gap to fill up for next year's MBIM admissions process.

I made awesome friends in SciOne: top of the list include Charles, Joey, Cindy, Rachel, Si Rim, Sally and Matt, the latter four also part of our in-house Totem Park Musical. May the bunch of us always keep in touch. And to Si Rim and Rachel - WE NEED TO JAM AGAIN.

I became environmentally conscious, and now I intend to make sustainable living a part of my new life at Thunderbird Residence.

By a stroke of luck's big brush, I got a summer research student position at the BC Cancer Research Center, in the TFL's Takei Lab, where I'm being trained and learning more about immunological research. I hope they let me stay on during the winter session - I so totally would, if only Dr. Takei would nod his head.

I learned a lot of life's lessons. Tolerance, effectiveness, fear (in a positive sense), and most importantly, humility. Learning is one thing though. I sometimes wonder if I'm applying them in my daily life, and living out those lessons properly.

I defined my university career goals and life goals properly. I want to be a scientist, to discover and develop a broad-spectrum cancer treatment that targets cancer cells without targeting body cells.

I have enjoyed the company of friends, of visiting their families and homes. I have discovered the hospitality and compassion that they and their families have shown towards me, and I am appreciative of that. Thank you Rachel, Charles and Cindy, I really enjoyed going over to your places. JOEY, YOU'RE NEXT!! =P

I have learned how to cook properly. Well, maybe not properly, I guess. But at least decently, such that I can survive on it. A summer worth of cooking, plus the lessons I learned from so many people - Aunty Mei, Uncle Poh Bin, Chen Bin, Leon, Junning, Zhang Yi...

Random thoughts galore. But I guess none of this has anything to do with Charles' statement, no?

Actually not. These milestones never occurred on 26 July of any year. These milestones always occur throughout the year. They served as more important reminders than my birthday did. I guess it's because nothing really striking or groundbreaking occurs on 26 July. Then again, I never did record the dates of when I felt I learned something from what life had to offer, so the process isn't discrete for me, it's continuous.

That's what I've been reflecting, both subconsciously and consciously, over the past few days.

I'm 20 now, 1 year older than most people in my graduating class. Nobody at Staples believed that I was only 19 when I worked there, and I guess nobody now (except for people that know me) thinks that I'm only 20 years old.

I guess I'm just old.

Kitchen

I just came back this afternoon from Cindy's kitchen. It is AMAZING. Fully-stocked with what you need to do almost any meal. Organized and clean and tidy. BIG! Most importantly, it is logically organized. Spices in one cabinet, knives in another, pots and pans in a third... when I move to Thunderbird, I am so going to organize everything properly.

And the dishes that Cindy, Charles and I made were amazing too. I couldn't believe that we actually have so much artistic culinary talent lying around here in Sci1. Imagine - spinach dip with crusted bagels for an appetizer, berry smoothies with homemade nachos as a starter, and then sundried tomato pasta with roast chicken as our main dish, and then green tea chocolate dipped berries and a white chocolate blueberry crumble as dessert - it is mind-blowing. Couple that with lunch on the balcony, a gathering of the Sci1-ers who are, as Mark Ho called us, "normal", sea view, sunshine, music (from my MacBook, of course!) and chit-chat. It was an amazing afternoon of friendship and food.

In fact, it was an amazing night over with Charles and Cindy.

Numbers

Very interesting... I've memorized my credit card number... next number: debit card number.

Pride, Elation, and Happiness

I am proud, I declare to the world, I am proud.

I am proud of Hwa Chong's track and field team. Their dominance in Singapore's school track and field scene is amazing - while I was there, we did the double of the B and C div championships, but when I left, the amazing juniors who, in 2002, broke 13 national records including overall team score picked up where my batch didn't, and finally clinched the A division championships. At the same time, in the past three years, they have done the treble thrice - a treble of trebles. Amazing.

I am proud of the achievements of my school. We continue to go from strength to strength, in sports, in academics, in leadership, in community service, we continue to lead other schools. Hwa Chong is definitely the school to be in, I must say.

I must say that my junior, Jin Yang, must be very proud to be on the podium to lift the trophy on behalf of the school. Way to go, JoY!

Weekend

So today, I came out with Charles after a sleepover at his place. (Cindy, yours is next week =P) We went to the UBC Bookstore and hung out, found Celeste and talked briefly with her before her kids started to ask to continue on the scavenger hunt. He bought Harry Potter, and I said, "Charles, man, I'm about to order it online at Amazon.ca, where I can get it for 1/2 price, not just 30% off." So I did that, and got him an extra copy as well. It should come about July 30th latest.

Now, Charles is one heck of an amazing soccer player - on the Nintendo Gamecube! lolz. I was out-passed, out-classed and out-shot in a match between Man Utd and Juventus that ended 0-1. Haha, if only he was a better player in real life - it'd be an amazing one-on-one tackler if he played defense against my attack.