Wednesday, March 30, 2005


FUSH. WTF. I'm supposed to go and reveal my entire privacy to get my body profiled by LKY's lackeys. WTF. FUSH.

WTF. FUSH. I swear I'll give them as much trouble as I can. Make them do more paperwork by filing my application to revoke PR status. Hell. I never even agreed to become a PR here. This sucks, being eighteen and a second generation PR and living in Singapore. Damn, if only I could give up PR-ship now.


Never mind. I'll ask my teachers for help.

Friday, March 25, 2005


I'll approxmiate my 2.4 run on the treadmill to that time, although I think it may be less or more. Still, a great way to start the day, breaking my own record, shaving off approximately half a minute of my original timing. Ha, I'll show the others what a fat guy can do. =P

Thursday, March 24, 2005

My desk as it is now. Sigh, how I wish I could clean it up. Maybe I'll do that first thing tomorrow morning. And it's just two minutes away to "tomorrow morning". Posted by Hello

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Off to Canada - June '05

Just received notification from my mom that I'll be going back to Canada for the June holidays. Hmm... wonder what my hometown looks like now...

I still remember Vancouver airport. Beautifully decorated, perfect climate. I await going back.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

A Load Off My Chest

I've decided, that if I don't say it out, I'll just keep it inside myself and rot my way through the block tests.

Why must it be that I have to conform to my mother's style of discussion every time? Every time she tries to convey an idea, she has to hog the conversation for 90% of the time. Yeah, granted, I take in everything she's trying to say, but lately, whenver she talks about me and CJ, she has to always, and I mean, always, paint a bleak picture any relationship. This gives me simply no heart to continue on. Things like, "Her parents will not let go of her, because she's the only daughter in the family." (whoever said that every single parent with that situation will do that?) and "Becareful of the two professional parents - their pride cannot be lowered." (I've met them already - and her mother is simply so strict with her --> what less a good upbringing?) If I were to take those words seriously, then it demoralizes me, and I don't feel any more strength to continue on with CJ. But if I don't, then I get accused of not listening to her. WHERE DO I DRAW THE LINE?! WHAT DO I LISTEN AND WHAT DO I NOT?

Heh, and when I tried to tell her very nicely and in a roundabout manner that she should improve upon her ways of conveying messages, her stubborn side came out: No, it's not about me and the way I convey my message, it's you and how you interpret the message. HELLO? If I want to convey a message to somebody, and if the message matters enough, it is ME, MYSELF, who must adapt to make the message send through, and NOT the other person who's listening who should adapt. I apply this standard to myself, and I find it is much courteous if we can all do this. Yet, in response to this, she changed the topic to: "Try to talk to CJ in such an argumentative manner and see if she can stand it." Please? When I raised the issue, it was not about my argumentative manner (which I prefer to call logic-based speak) which was the issue, it was about your way of conveying a message.

And then her ideas of a relationship are so wierd. She advocates that between me and CJ, we're just supposed to be friends; does this then mean that between me and Guan Lin or me and Dawn or me and Audrey or me and Foony, we're not friends but just acquaintances? Where, then, do I draw the line between being acquaintances, being friends, being a speical friend, and being a boy/girlfriend? These are entirely different entities! And she messes them up! What am I supposed to say when she says, "I don't object to you being together, but you cannot be more than friends." What is the message of this line? Two identities, mixed up, and nothing substantial to clear up or clarify. Everything, then, becomes empty talk.

But no, it's not empty talk. I see some of her logic. Things like, don't kiss the lips, don't cross the line to having sex, don't spend time together in some secluded corner... more importantly, don't toy with feelings, don't make her heartbroken... I totally agree. But the point is, why can't she make things look more positive, less negative, and try to ensure her message gets across? Don't tell me that until now, she cannot tell that I tend to the positive side of life, and things negative just put me off and set me emotional? Heh, that's simply why I'm blogging here tonight - to get that negative side written off on a webpage. But you can't possibly come in every night with some negative talk, and make me go online to write and write and expound my thoughts on a blog, thereby sacrificing time for my own studies? Ma, emotions can't always be controlled, and I'm sure you know that. Here I am, writing, simply to help control my emotions. But didn't you see my dejected look just now?

Face it, you've borne a strange son. Maybe you'd want to know a few things. First, I find I'm in a state of clairvoyance. I've been constantly examining myself, and, now, as I type, I tear... It seems that coming to know myself too well doesn't do me any good. I can find out, precisely, why I think certain things, why I don't, why I feel certain things and why, for others, I don't; I can link up and find past examples to support my own actions, and they clearly show a pattern, but, but you just don't like it when I spell them out for you. Is it because it tells you that you don't know me enough? Or is it because of myself, being too logical, showing that you don't have logic? I don't mean to convey these, and I don't want you to feel these, but I'd rather err on the side of caution, and rather than spell them out, I'd rather just shut up. I tell myself, I don't need to give any explanations, because you don't like them. I tell myself, it's useless to say anything, you'll just come back and tell me that you don't like my argumentative tone.

Second, ever since I came to face the reality of my regrets for Papa's death, I've decided that your curse will simply come true, and one day, when the worst things in life will come to me, they'll come, and therefore, it's simply useless to keep on holding onto the negative things in life. It's nothing to do with anything religious; it's simply a state of self-discovery. I've tried all this while to be positive, to be constructive, to be cheerful, to be helpful, to do as much good as I can, and what I get back from you is negative feedback, demoralizing words, all which seem too much to be masked in a facade of being reasonable. Am I reading too much into your words? Is this state of thinking and reflecting on myself simply doing me too much harm? And then again, why can't you also try to be constructive, cheerful and positive? Isn't that going to do you much more good?

You told me a few years back, don't be so harsh on my brother, but now, I see you raising your voice and shouting at him all the time. And it contrasts with me now. I've got a voice shouting inside my heart, but outside, I'm trying to be calm, cool, mild, docile and friendly. I treat Evan better now, don't I? I don't shout at him, raise my voice at him, I'm not being as sarcastic as before, isn't it? And I definitely don't hit him, whack him or pull his ears, right? I know the pain. You gave it to me once, and I don't want to inflict it on anybody else. It broke my heart in the past when I saw you hit him, slap him, shout at him and pull him by the ears. I wanted to shield him from the pain, but I knew that if I did, I'd get into trouble myself - I tried it once, and it really came true. You rebuked me for sheidling him, and even challenged me to raise him on my own, which I knew, practically, that I couldn't. It really broke me. I didn't want my own brother to feel the physical pain, but then, I didn't know how to express it. Now I do. But the fact is, I try not to be negative to him, and then you come in and be negative to him. I'm kind of glad that now he's opened up to me, and that he's willing to talk to me, but why can't you present yourself to also be open to talking?

That day when I talked to him, he had so many questions about life, and how to handle his daily problems. Do you know what? He actually listed you as one of his daily problems. On one hand, I felt so glad that I wasn't one on that list; on the other hand, it spelt out problems of communication. Why must it be that people cannot talk to you? Why must it be that your own sons cannot sum up the courage to speak to you? It's because we both know you'll come back with very unsupportive statements. Even Evan, at such a young age, knows that. If he tries to tell you something, he'll predict that you'll come back with something negative. Hard as I try to encourage him to talk, he won't. He'll rather talk to me.

Ma, I'm only eighteen. You yourself know it too, that I've still got a lot of lessons in life to learn. Why must it be that Evan can only talk to me, a person with fewer experiences, rather than you, a person who's experienced the trials and tribulations of life? You've lost a person you loved; I've only lost a father. You've been oppressed badly psychologically by your mother-in-law; I've only experienced physical pain under you. There's so much that you could tell him, and me too, rather than I trying to tell him things that I figure out by sheer lucky logic. Why can't you do it? It's because you're negative, Ma. We can't approach you easily, because you lack the supportive element.

And face it, I'm weak. I look strong outside, but I'm weak inside. It took me over one year to face up to my regret over my own father's death. And throughout that period, I was defeatist, escapist, irresponsible, always looking for quick solutions. Do you know what? I've always wanted a hug from you. This year, last year. Both years. For two years, I've wanted to come up to you and hug you, but I could never sum up the courage. Again, after eighteen years of conditioning, I've come to realize that if I tried something emotionally positive, your wall of coldness would be there to dampen my warmth. And there you go, I'm only eighteen. Probably I don't have enough warmth and love inside me to melt the cold wall, so I go away, dejected and sad, that I don't have the openly supportive and caring mother that I needed.

Yeah, I know you still take care of us, ensuring that we have food, that we have a shelter, that we grow up able to take care of ourselves. But you're taking care of our outer well-being. In fact, as far back as when we all lived at Limbok Terrace as I remember it, the way you brought Evan and I up was focused on providing us with enough food, shelter, and grooming our independence. But what was lacking, now I realize, was the emotional part. You didn't know how to handle us emotionally. You were sarcastic, you were physical when you punished us. And a weak heart like mine can't take that.

There's something I've just recalled. When I accompanied Evan to Catholic High to report to school, I heard one of the teachers giving a talk say, "If your children are still telling you things, then, parents here in the audience, you have done a successful job in raising your children." Sad to say, you've not. How long did it take for me to tell you that I liked CJ? Two months. How long did it take for me to tell you that I've long faced up to my regrets? An entire year. How much more have I not told you? A lot; only a portion of it is listed in this long essay. And look at Evan: he doesn't even dare to tell you things. Don't always come back to us and tell us that we don't tell you important things because we ourselves are guilty of something; sometimes, if you think about it, it'd be you who would feel guilty if you told your own mother the things we wanted to tell you. No, we don't feel guilty; instead, it's because we know you'd make us feel guilty for things that are clear in our own conscience. Think about it; I don't dare to tell you that your messages don't always strike a chord with me, simply because I predicted correctly that you'd change the topic and challenge me to speak in an argumentative manner to someone else important. And raise your voice. And be on the brink of crying while saying all that. Isn't it? And therefore, for some important things, we don't want to tell you. In short, it all boils down to you being unsupportive.

Guess what, if I didn't care less about my friend or classmate acting in a particular manner, I wouldn't even take the time to explain logically what's going on. Same for you, Ma; if I didn't care that your messages wouldn't get through to me properly, then I probably wouldn't have bothered to point out as clearly as possible that your mannerisms don't encourage communication. But then it was met with a change in topic. Like, what am I supposed to say?

And PLEASE, don't stop talking to me about CJ. I need you to talk to me, but I also need something supportive coming from you. The issue isn't about me and CJ anymore, I think. The issue now is about the communication problem at home. Between me and CJ, I've realized a lot of things from what you've told me, and I've been prudently applying them in my relationship with her. But at home, if you continue to send subtle unsupportive messages out, and then blatantly tell me that you don't object to me being with her, then where is the line drawn? What exactly are you trying to tell me? Get it now why I say I'm confused? It's not just about your words, it's also about your tone and facial expression and action. Maybe, I should do what you always told Papa, "Record your expression and words down and play them back for you to see."

I think by now, I've poured out my heart. It's tough enough to spend an entire fifty minutes typing this out, but I think it's worthwhile, rather than trying to stuff some ecology nonsense up my brain which already is brimming with these thoughts. I've got a clearer mind now. But the problem still lingers. It's time for me to rest. I'm tired. You're tired. We're all tired.

Yeah, we're all tired.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Talentime 2005

Talentime 2005 has finally ended! But since I've already penned my thoughts down in another article, I shall copy it over here instead.

It is a letter written to my two co-MCs, Regina Tan of 04S70 and Lim Xinyi of 04A14. Both of them were terrific and superb MCs, and I think they handled their content better than I did for my own.

Anyways, here's the letter.

Dear Regina and Xinyi,

I must say I’ve had a great time working with the two of you as MCs for Talentime 2005. It definitely was an experience going through all the rehearsals after rehearsals after rehearsals with the two of you.

First of all, I must say thanks for working so well with me, because I know myself to be quite bad at working with others. You two’ve been very patient, especially when I go all flustered and worried (ahaha, the episode on stage where I forgot my cue cards bear testimonial to that).

I never thought our script could go from being structured and standardized to becoming filled with lame episodes (which, unfortunately, didn’t always attract the crowd’s attention). I guess that we needed a little while on stage to warm up, because I think I saw the crowd also getting the gist of our jokes after a while too.

Oh yeah, kudos to the two of you for carrying out the 奶粉episode so well! If you asked Huiru at backstage, you’ll hear her telling you about how I told her, “Yes, yes! Desired effect – achieved! Yes!” You two pulled it off great!

Haha, come to think of it, I think I also stunned the crowd with that split. Another desired effect. =P

So, what do you two think of the performance? I found it great, and, surprisingly, a group won rather than a soloist! Haha, to think we were discussing how it would be a soloist who would win the overall champ. My gosh, I was really shocked when I saw the contents of the golden envelope.

What I think was most memorable about Talentime 2005 was that moment when the crowd wanted an encore. Haha, I remember hearing Huiru go, “This was totally unplanned. And now Lijia is screaming in my ear.” Now that is what I call real comedy.

Oh, and special thanks to both of you again, for covering up my slips. I still can’t believe how blind I was to go backstage to change, only to find Charmaine Loh downstairs before I had even finished folding my clothes! And I was like, “Oh no! A performance is so short?!” You two were great at that part!

Hrm… Now I wonder, have you two gotten your Talentime 2005 shirts? Oh ya, and I hope they give us a copy of the video that they eventually produce. I’d really want to see myself again, and examine my own flaws. Haha… And I definitely want to see what I looked like doing that split.

Specially to Regina: Thanks for checking my tie so many times, and being so chirpy and jovial backstage. It definitely lightened my mood.

Specially to Xinyi: Thanks for coming up with so many ideas for the script, especially on how to adapt it on that day itself. I think it definitely saved us a lot.

I’ll never forget rushing backstage to quickly change, attempting each change in under one minute. =P And how I actually took longer than the two of you to change! ARGH! XD.

Well, I guess I’ll end the letter here.

Wish you two the best, and hope we have chances to work together in future.


Where Is The Love?

Where Is The Love

by Black Eyed Peas

Album: Elephunk
Submitted by: tyrell
Corrected by: emi

What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Badness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Now, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt can you hear them cryin'?
Can you practice what you preach?
And would you turn the other cheek?

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love? (Love)

Where is the love? (The love)
Where is the love? (The love)
Where is the love?
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane?
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With the ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I can ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin'
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all( come on yeah)

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images, it's the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids want to act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we're spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under (so ask yourself)
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

Lyrics from

Thursday, March 03, 2005


Upon further thinking, I think I have dual personality syndrome. I have two selves.

One self is mentally adept, quick-witted, a critical thinker, a person who criticizes heavily on big issues of world politics, war and conflict and humanitarian issues.

The other self is emotionally weak, a bottle that's brimming with emotions and thoughts, reflections about my own world, all sealed and capped in. And needing another bottle.

Another bottle, please?

Off balance

When she brings up my father, she always wins. There's no way I can argue back. The regret just pinches me.

She knows. She knows well, now that I told her; each time she brings up my father, she wins. Because everything that she relates to my father only goes to show why he died. Too much handphone usage. Poor diet. Pressure from mother. And on and on. Everything. Everything he did made him die. And she took care of him, all the way, until he died.

Now, history repeats itself. Too much handphone usage. Poor diet. Pressure from mother. Fine, I'll probably die a horrible death too, bleeding internally, intestines rupturing, blood vessels ripping, brain bursting, eyeballs popping, tongue hanging, hand mutilated, feet hacked off, throat slit, chest stabbed. And she has to remind me about him every time.

I told her I've a special someone whom I like, and who loves me equally. The next moment she blows her top. And lots and lots of very stern advice comes in. Soon, it prompts my thoughts and reflection, inner reflection, which I don't want to tell my mom.

I asked that special someone, why she liked me. Here's her response.

"because you have a sense of humour that i like... i know i sometimes say you're being lame, but i don't mean it in a bad way. i like it. its as warped as my own. because you're sweet... every time we talk.. every time i look at you i feel so lucky. and when i look at you i see a man of integrity and determination. like you're a role model somehow."

At these words, I tear. Tears, not of elation or joy, that I'm being put up so high in the sky, that I'm such a great person. Tears, because the words she uses describes the exact opposite of the real me. Have I really put up such a facade? I don't know what to tell her. It's not that I want to break up, and it's definitely not because I've found a new person whom I like. It's just, I look at myself, and I see a bastard, an idiot, a... clown, who wears the red, painted smile on the outside, but may well be hiding a sad history behind himself. It's a facade, or is it? I don't even know my true self.

Maintaining the facade is so tiresome. Oh, and now she asks, "Why did you ask?"

I still haven't told her why I asked. In reality, I want to bring up one result of my reflection: that I find the relationship very one-sided. Not in the terms of me chasing her and she not reciprocating.

Let's put it this way. From my point of view, in any relationship, there's the emotional and practical side to it. The emotional side, as well all know, can well be strained by the practical side of it, but then again, the emotional side can well enhance any practical aspects of the relationship. Between me and her, I find the physical (i.e. practical) aspect straining me out, emotionally. She wants to be with me. As much as possible. Because we'll eventually be separated. But I just told her being together 24/7 will only serve to be a mental hallucinogen, amplifying the pain further later in the future when, eventually, due to our education, we have to separate. It won't work, and it won't be healthy to continue like that.

Oh crap, she has a test tomorrow. And I told her all that. I wonder if she'll be okay...

Well she told me she'll be fine. I finally feel unloaded, telling her all that I did (and NO, I will NOT reveal the full content here). I hope I did the right thing.